Kristiweb vs. the World: The Battle of the Exes

Yes I am writing again… are we excited? I am changing the format of the blog a little bit… you should be able to see the changes soon.

Now what prompted my blog re-emergence… my relationship (of course) and my desire to keep it without having to show my ass.

I guess I am taking for granted that you all have seen Scott Pilgrim vs the World [trailer]  which is not really fair… basically it is  about a guy that meets the girl of his dreams but in order to date her, he has to defeat her 7 evil exes. Now please don’t believe that this is endorsement blog post though I loved it) I just wanted to give you a little background.

Sidenote: Any movie that has “the l word” “lesbian” and “lesbians” in its 2 minute trailer can not be all bad… #imjustsaying.

Ok so let’s bring it back to me…. (don’t I always?)

Now I do not understand what it is about green grass on the other side…. or the well that is dry… or whatever it is that makes exes feel the need to show their ass when a new girl comes into the picture but I am not saved enough to have to deal with it. And UNO (which is forever the name of the boo  as I have promised her that I won’t call names … without proper cause) has more exes… something like an exes… and woulda couldas then my 2 month hiatus from Where I Was Baptized Missionary Baptist Church can handle.

Battle One: Kristiweb vs the Wannabes

The Opponent: Ok UNO is attractive… (would we expect anything less for me) but DAMN, ain’t nobody in the universe fine enough for the stunts that these girls are playing. If I see one more “oooooh you are so talented” or “ooooh can I be your muse” or “oooooh what I would give to have you leave your mark on me” (UNO‘s a tattoo artist) I am going to holler. Not because I am jealous (now playing “Bitch I’m Me” in the background)…. but because thirsty chicks like them make it harder for well hydrated women like me.

I guess I should be flattered… side eye.

How I Overcome: Combination Attack. Now I am old enough to know that what you won’t do the next chick will… BUT  I also know that putting it all on the table without even setting a price may get you eaten but don’t ensure your bill being paid.

As such, I will keep my cheerleading outfit crisp and my pom poms fluffy but I will leave the ass-kissing to them.

Battle Two: Kristiweb vs the Almost Was

The Opponent: So they never dated dated…. just a few phone sex sessions… dirty picture messaging… drunken sex after a night at the club…. but they are Friendsssssss. Girl please… If her pussy has been in a 5 inch radius of UNO’s tongue ain’t nothing friendly about that.

How I Overcome: Softpaw Attack. Now I will kee kee and play nice nasty with the best of them but please believe that my soft paw can turn into a hard right hook if you think you are going to add some miles to your  trip down memory lane.

As such, I will keep my friends close, and UNO’s  friends close enough…

Battle Three: Kristiweb vs the Exes Part One

The Opponents: Every good karate movie has a 2 against 1 fight where they come at your from every angle. These ying yang twins attack for the same reason but have different styles. There is the “had a good thing” ex who loves to reminisce of the good times… the sexual exploits… the corny pet names. Does she want UNO back? Nope… She actually has a new relationship.  But does she want UNO to have one? Nope… She isn’t sure when she will need her back.

Battle Three: Kristiweb vs the Exes Part Two

More common, and the fight with most screen time is the mortal combat bout with the  “going to show my ass” ex. The bi-polar one who writes crazy shit on facebook… misses UNO on Tuesday…. says UNO ain’t shit on Wednesday…calls every week with new stuff she found that she is going to ship … money she owes that she wants to pay back… anything and everything to keep her crazy ass in conversation. What she really wants is to do is to spark a 867 comment 435  ‘like’ status sparring session where she and I both look like idiots when it’s over.

How I Overcome: …. by writing blog posts as opposed to saying what I really want to say complete with personal references. big smile