I need a vibrator. I mean I don’t need a vibrator like I need water and food and air….. I want a vibrator. I didn’t realize I wanted one until I was talking to my girl Lee Lee. And since her wife might stumble across this blog we weren’t talking about sex… well not sex together..or your sex together… Moving right along.

I will never forget my first vibrator.

My homegirl and I were creeping around Gainesville trying to be grown sneaking down to the XXX store on the outskirts of town. We were browsing the 2 for 1 porn section** when I saw it… It was pink, it had flashing lights and it was on clearance. Yes the clearance part was important. I only had 30 bucks in my pocket and there was no way in hell I was explaining a XXX store charge to Mother Web.

I used that thing for all of two minutes. As interesting as the lights were when you were looking from the outside… they really didn’t do much inside. The head was huge and bulky. I should have known then this whole penetration thing wasn’t for me. And it rotated like it had a cold. Swirl *cough* swirl *cough* swirl.  I don’t know what I expected. Hell it was on clearance.

I think I was more excited about having the damn thing than using it. I got over that pretty quickly. Poor Starburst didn’t  even make it to sophomore year. Mother Web had a knack for wanting to straighten up my things (read: snoop) while she was in town and I was not ready for that conversation. Fast forward 5-6 years later when we did have an interesting conversation about vegetables… but that’s its own post.

I don’t remember how many other light up… warming… neon… clearance vibrators I sent to the sex graveyard during my 4 years in the Swamp but I’m sure I could have bought a rabbit… or 3. It wasn’t all bad. Towards the end on my journey, I was blessed by the miracle that is the mouse bullet.

*pause with extremely large and excited eyes*

I just googled and ordered 3… yes I said 3.  I can’t believe they still make them and they are 5 bucks a pop so I might as well get backups. I might give them away as gifts. Stocking stuffers… ok I’m lying… about the giving away part, not the 3 blind mice.

I still kinda want to try to get a vibrator though. I need to do some research. Anyone have any suggestions? Maybe I should buy a few and try them all out. Not in a creepy and/or slutty way but for research purposes.

Hmmm…

**Yes it was back in the day when you had to actually buy pornography as opposed to xtubing it… or xsharing it.. or whatever internet freak site is popping this week.