Hi Lovebugs,

I am not sure if this post needs a trigger warning because the title of the post is pretty self explanatory. This weekend I had to find five reasons to live. I really should change the title if I think about it. I was not going to be an active participant in my own demise HOWEVER, the thought of death was comforting.

I won’t go into the details of the who or the why of what happen. Sorry to disappoint the 10 people that came to be nosy. Feel free to click off right about now.

I’ll wait.

Let’s just say, this weekend was bad… like really bad… like God showed me things that I wasn’t even looking for anymore. He gave me answers to the questions I didn’t know I even had to ask.  The most resounding answer being “No”. So much power can be summed up in two little letters.

My mind is still whirling around with all the voices of friends, and loved ones and supposed loves. An inescapable barrage of truths, lies, condemnation and praise. For a few brief seconds I wanted them all to go away… I still want them to go away. BUT there are 5 reasons I haven’t let them overtake me.

Here they go… in no discernible order.

1. My daughter. — Don’t scrounge your face up. I don’t have a missing child in a boarding school somewhere. For those of you all that know me, you know that I started the journey to motherhood last year. It wasn’t until this weekend that I realized that my life and my choices are no longer just mine. Even before she gets here I am responsible for her life and her future.
2. My village. — The people closest to you can either make you better or worse. This weekend my village showed me how much they loved me. They were the mirror that I needed to see myself. I owe them enough to prove them right.
3. My community. — There are people in the world that need to be loved, that need to be championed, that need to be protected. I want to be the person that helps them.

4 and 5. are both ones that I am still processing through. I wrote them down in my journal and in my heart. I have to at least give myself another 40 years to know where they go.

I wanted to share this private part of my life for anyone out there who has wanted a way out.

I challenge you the same way that I was challenged. What are the five things in your life worth sticking around for?

 

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If you’re thinking about suicide, are worried about a friend or loved one, or would like emotional support, the Lifeline network is available 24/7 across the United States.

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