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My Life

Dear Reader whose ancestors are watching – or how sometimes you have to show them better than you can tell them

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Good morning Lovebugs,

Long time no see… I have been out here trying to mind my business, remodel my home and drink my water.

But of course, whenever you reach a higher plane, someone tries to bring you back down. No no, this isn’t a breakup post, I have done my share of those. It is not about family dysfunction or friends’ betrayal.

This is the story of a no-name, non-factor who decided that today was the day they wanted to knock me off my square. And as a result, he got himself knocked off the block.

*Warning: No one was physically harmed in this situation, but if there had been I wouldn’t have been wrong.*

So before we go into the “incident”, I want to be very clear about a few things. I have been Black all my life. I have been in corporate America, about half of that life. As a woman, specfically a Black woman, I am not naive to microaggressions either due to my race or my gender (and usually both). I have dealt with tone policing, oppurtunity shaming, assumptions of my seniority, and have had several occassions where I have been requested to be the “voice of Black America” in conversations.

There have been many times that I have allowed things to be done and said around me. Originally due to my youth and fear of hurting my future, I accepted it. And as time went on, and bills piled up, I told myself to ignore it. I said it wasn’t worth the fight. I was wrong.

I don’t know whether it is my age or my re-attachment to my ancestors, but I am not that girl anymore.

Yesterday started off amazing. I found out my contractor was coming back to work after a surgery. I went to bed smiling after an amazing conversation. I was preparing for my mom to come in town for my neice’s wedding. I was happy. Like very happy. I put on a simple graphic tee highlighting my happiness. Yep… this is a story about a t-shirt.

I decide to grab a cup of coffee from the catering service in the corporate cafeteria. I smile to greet Mr. Coffee (I don’t actually know his name) and order my Cuban toast and cortadito.

“Why are you wearing a racist shirt?”

I was so caught off guard that I turned around to see who he was speaking to. After a second of confusion, I turned and looked back at him. He was talking to me.

“Why not wear a White is my happy color?”

Oh he is serious serious. I tried to de escalate (because that is what we are taught to do) and say “Well if Pink was my happy color or Yellow was my happy color I would wear that shirt too”. I thought that would stop him but it didn’t.

“Well I guess you can be happy all the time then” with a laugh.

At that point, I knew he was not going to stop. I knew any response would feed into it, so I paid and walked to the other side of the counter while I waited for my food.

I sat there. I replayed the conversation in my head. I sat there some more. I initially tried to blame myself for wearing the shirt. I gaslit my damn self and was going to sweep it under the rug. He had several oppurtunities not to be harmful and he just didn’t care. He doubled down at every turn. He wanted to make my blackness to be something he could target for his enjoyment. This was not about the words on the shirt, it was the black body wearing it.

The whispers in my heart and head, said “Nah Kristi not today”. I couldn’t be complicit. I couldn’t rationalize that he was just the guy in the cafeteria. There are too many young black interns at this company that I would be giving him permission to make uncomfortable. I would have made it ok for him to say something out of the way to the young sister I used to be. It is not just about me.

I never want anyone to lose their job. I never want someone to be banned from their workplace. But I will choose me and mine… everytime.

Current Events, My Life

Dear Reader who doesn’t want everything to be a hustle — or how I spent my MLK Day

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First I would be remiss if I didn’t acknowledge that as I write this, President Elect Biden and VP Elect Harris are preparing for their inauguration. I know I keep saying this isn’t going to be a political blog but hey that’s what happening right now. It is amazing to be able to see the first Black woman to reach the heights of Vice President. I didn’t wear my pearls or my Chucks because I overslept but just know I am standing in solidarity with this new administration.

Off topic on topic, I didn’t realize until today (Don’t blame my public school education!) that I have been incorrectly thinking that VP Elect Harris is the first non white person to hold that office. Charles Curtis, member of the Kaw Nation, was inaugurated as America’s first (and only) Native American vice president in 1928. I will say there are definitely mixed feelings about the effects of his vice presidency on indigenous people and America at large. However, that my dear reader is another post and deserves a different voice than mine.

Now back to the point of the post (you all are used to me by now I hope), I DON’T WANT TO SELL FREAKING MASKS ON ETSY. Dramatic much? Maybe but I’m serious. I just want to sew up some masks and send them out to my friends and loved ones without feeling guilty or lacking of hustle.

I never thought I would learn to sew. My mother has sewn my whole entire life. I have seen her even make suits for my brother and dresses for myself. Eight years I begged her for a sewing machine. I just knew I was going to make masterpieces,I ended up making… not a damn thing.

Enter Miss Rona + a few hours on Youtube + several trips to Joann Fabric. I am officially a sewing machine. I went from not being able to even wind the bobbin to making about 200+ reversible cloth masks.

I have loved the experience. I have made masks for almost everyone I know (and quite a few I didn’t know). From the family members I have known my whole life to the folks I have only chatted with via DM, I have sent out dozens and dozens of postal stamp adhered, colorful envelopes with a mask and a note inside. For my 38th birthday, I made 38 bags of masks and hand sanitizers as part of my celebration. I was able to drop them off at nearby bus stops for those who hopefully needed them the most.

I’m not saying I am a needle wielding Mother Teresa.

I have greatly benefitted personally from the experience. I love learning new things, and sewing is definitely challenging. Though raggedy at first, as I got better at it, my confidence increased tremendously. Every time someone posted a picture or sent me a note of thanks it felt amazing. There was even a calming effect of thinking that I was doing something to fight the virus for myself and the people I loved. It led me to create new and reignite old connections with people. It is therapeutic. It has definitely helped me create peace during this extremely troubling time.

And then came the “Girl you need to sell those masks”, “You know how much you could be making with masks?”, “My cousin’s sister’s coworker wants to buy one”, “I need 5 like the one who had on for my Christmas presents.”

Now my spirit said, No Kristi. You are already blessed. You have learned a new skill that brings you joy. You were able to keep your job. You have not lost anyone close to you due to Covid. You don’t “need” the money.

The narcissist on the left shoulder grinned “Everybody loves your masks because they are so great and unique.” The hustler on my shoulder whispered “You like nice things… and money requires them”.

So I made 5.

Then I made 10.

Each time them selling out almost immediately. It was great. The money bought some more perfume bottles for my collection. But it didn’t give me the feelings anymore. I found myself not as excited to rush home and stitch and sew. It was a business. I found myself falling down into the whole of my closed on hiatus journal making business. I had no interest in making masks at all, not even for myself. I would set out to make them, and then lose the desire. Until Monday. For years, every MLK day I have participated in the MLK day of service. From picking up trash to painting school, it has always been a designated day for me to give me. Since the traditional events were canceled, I had an idea. I cranked up the music and again made 21 masks to distribute in the community for MLK 2021. And just like that I had the feeling again that I missed. The feeling that money just could not buy.

So for the baker, who likes to make red velvet cakes, you don’t have to want to be the next Julia Child. There is still joy in linking the spoon.

For the poet, who speaks your truth and take up your space, you don’t have to make a CD to be worth listening to.

Hobbies don’t always have to be hustles. Hobbies can just be that. BUT if you decide to make it your love your livelihood, I’m here for it. Just don’t forget to send me a link because I will support all of the things!

XOXO, Kristi

And one more thing, JUSTICE *clap* SONIA *clap* SOTOMAYOR *clap*, sis you just couldn’t get her damn name right could you? There were whole national discourses on how to pronounce her name. There were freaking shirts on how to pronounce her name. Are you serious? Girl, I can not.

Oh and the first 5 people that comment on this post, just shoot me your postal address and I will make you a mask… for fun.

Books

Dear Reader who needs to unf*ck some stuff — or a book review of “Unfuck Your Boundaries” by @theintimacydr

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re·set/rēˈset/verb

set again or differently.

I am not going to pretend this is a New Year/New Me 2021. I am happy to have gotten out of 2020 unscathed and I am content with that. I do want to work on different parts of myself through the next 12 months. Each month I will focus on different words, and use them to guide that journey.

This month my word to hone in on is “Reset”. I am trying to reconfigure some of the habits (physical and mental) that were causing me harm and reignite some of them that I had let fall to the wayside.

I’m back to counting points on my weight watcher app (which helped be lose 37 lbs, of which I gained back 15 since Covid), I unfroze my subscription with Club Pilates (which helped me tone my body), and am getting back to running virtual 5Ks. The physical game plan was easy because I have seen it work and know its results. The mental game plan… is a work in progress.

One thing that I always loved to do was read. Now granted everything I read wasn’t Hemingway or Morrison. Sometimes I would devour 20 books with titles like “The Thug who stole my heart” and the “The Kingpin’s boss lady”. I have no shame in this at all. Did they teach me the concept of metaphysics, no. But they did teach me what huaraches are… which is something… right? *shrugs*

So I decided that I want to read one book a week. One of them will be specifically about the word of the month. The others will be a mix of everything from memoirs to pure unapologetic trash.

The first book I have selected is… (I would do a drumroll but it is in the title of the post) “Unfuck Your Boundaries: Build Better Relationships through Consent, Communication, and Expressing Your Needs” by Faith Harper.

So you have probably heard about this book or the many iterations of her “Unf*ck” books. She has about half a dozen. She is here to help if you want to unf*ck your brain, your intimacy, or your anger. I probably could gain from most of these topics but right now I wanted to work on boundaries.

On to the book. I will say this was an easy read. Easy in that there wasn’t any complicated clinical language. There was a good amount of cussing (which shouldn’t surprise anyone based on the title) and a couple of hashtags. It was simple in its delivery but I found myself highlighting several parts for re-reading.

This is definitely a book that can help just about everyone. I went into it thinking that I wanted to work on my boundaries and staying firm to them. And while I got information on that, in the end I found myself reevaluating how I treat other’s boundaries as well. It created an environment of introspection that I needed… and appreciated.

In addition to boundary work, there was a good amount of insight on communication, especially through conflict. There have been so many times where I thought a quick apology would defuse a situation and it instead became ammunition use against me. Or times where I thought I was giving helpful advice, but it wasn’t healthy, wanted or warranted. I am going to make a conscious effort to use the BIFF technique going forward. I don’t want to give too much of the book away but BIFF stands for brief, informative, friendly and firm. This book is full of simple pieces of information that I can’t wait to use for more full communication.

I would definitely recommend this to any reader who wants to improve their communication and/or navigate a world with boundaries (either their own or others). Have you read it? What did you think? Tell you more.

XOXO, Kristi

KListen

K Listen:@kelelam “Bank Head”

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So I know I am often late to the party… it’s not because I don’t want to be there but sometimes I take the scenic route. That’s how I feel about queer artist Kelela and her song “Bank Head”

This is not new by any stretch of the imagination (it came out in 2013) but I heard it just a while ago on set for the first time. I didn’t know who sang it or even the name but it was a vibe that my spirit needed. A lightning speed download of Shazam later (which I didn’t even know was still around) and I was on it. Ever since I have listened to it no less that 50 times, each time vibing like it is brand new.

Chocolate City born, second-generation Ethiopian American, Kelela who was featured on Solange’s Scales, is the epitome of dope black queer everythingness. Her beauty alone is stark and stunning. Hard stop. But once I fell into the rabbit hole that is Al Gore’s internet, I realized her voice was strong and impactful even outside of the studio. She speaks vulnerably and honestly about her experiences in life, love and the black experience. *deep gutteral sigh*

When I close my eyes and hear this song, I picture a dark club where everyone is dancing in what seems like a blur except for me and HER. Lasers of different colors cascade over our glistening black bodies as we move slowly to the drop beat… yeah it is one of those songs. Sexuality in plain sight until… as the song goes “time goes by”

Take a look. Take a listen. What do you think?

Enjoy Continue reading K Listen:@kelelam “Bank Head” →

KLife

Quieting the Covid chaos – My Daily Routine

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Hi Lovebugs!

I have been really excited and in love with my morning routine for the last few weeks.

For those that know me, I have been on a whole life affirming journey. As I am working on my next upcoming chapter (more coming — stay tuned), I have realized that I need to be more diligent and deliberate in how I spend my time and reach my goals.

I am a creature of habit. Both good habits and bad, if I’m honest. When my life is a mess, it is a BIG MESS. When my life is on an upward trajectory, I am a whole mood. I have to be intentional about every aspect of my life so I decided the morning is the way to set the pace. Is it just me or if  you have a great morning, your day goes better?

For the record, this post is for sure not trying to get you to do my routine. It is just a post to share how I figured out what works for me and hopefully it will give you a little zhuzh [1] …I know for ME my routine gets me feeling awake, productive and affirmed before the day starts going. Here goes…

Get woke.

I used to hate waking up. For some reason, my body knows exactly when my alarm is getting ready to go off, which coincidentally felt like 5 minutes before I was supposed to wake up. Every morning without fail l, I would hit the snooze button 3 times before I actually got up. By the last buzzer, I was jumping up and running around the house in order to get out of the house for work. It started my day feeling stressed out and rushed. And often my day would continue just like that.

I have now moved my charger and phone to the other side of the room so I have to physically get up and go turn it off. By the time I focus my eyes and make the first step, I am up. For full disclosure, I have been tempted to walk back over to the bed once or twice (I’m still growing) but for the most part I have kept it moving.

Set the mood.

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Once I have my slippers on, I make my way to my half bathroom.

For the most part I am a night shower-er (unless I have gotten up super early or need a little extra), so my half bathroom is my zen place for my facial routine. The first thing that I do is light my candles. I have been in love with the candles I have been using from Queen Mary Candle, Co here in Miami. They are hand poured and smell amazing. I sent batches out in my birthday gift boxes this year. They were hit.

Next I activate the “Daily Affirmations” on my Amazon Fire dot. Today I was told that I am strong, healthy and powerful. I repeat my affirmation 4 or 5 times in a row while I am setting up my skincare.

Once I have gotten ready, I start my Anthony Hamilton Pandora channel. Aside from the fact that I love his music, the channel has a great mix of soulful tunes and spiritual music. It will go from Solange to Tamela Mann to Jaheim. It is a good time, and I can pretend I am on the newest episode of Sunday Morning Best or the Voice.

Wash On. Wash Off.

So I am trying to decide if I should make this part a separate blog post. I worked with April King of Glamour Impulse to create the best regimen for my daily skin care. I have added a few tweaks to it but it has definitely made my skin reach a new level of bombness. Between her blog, her Instagram and her YouTube channel, I am very excited about what she is going to introduce me to next [3].

Let’s just say, I do 7-10 steps every morning and a varied routine every night. Yes I will definitely do another post full of product links later. The response that I have gotten from those who have seen me has been so positive. I work in the fashion and beauty industry for my 9 to 5, so when a legit celebrity makeup artist [4] gives you a high five…  you take it.

Most of the times I don’t wear makeup but definitely make sure my face is moisturized and the rest of my body is shea buttered up.

Keep hydrated.

So after I have revived my skin, I take a moment and revive internally. Since I am doing intermittent fasting, I don’t have breakfast but I make sure to drink my first 8 oz of water before I get dressed.

I blow out my candle (because I don’t want to burn my house down) and say bye to Alexa. I am ready to go.

Stay grateful.

With everything going on, I was struggling to find my peace and my happy. I felt anxious about going to work, I felt guilty for having a job to go to. It was an odd mix of survivors’ guilt and feeling like a sacrificial lamb. With the help of loving friends and self reflection, I have gotten better at being ok. On the way to work, I text some of the most important people in my life. I chat with my friend Gennie, I send a daily check in on Mama K Word and have now introduced a new “love on y’all” text with my sisters. Everyone of them sow positivity and light into my life, so I want to start their days off with some too.

Now let’s keep it real. Does this routine happen perfectly every day? Nah. Nope. Chiiiiile. Do I feel bad when I miss a step or two? Only for a second. The best thing about the routine is that it has a lasting effect. If I mess up one day, the affirmation and love from the day before keeps me going until I get back on target the next day.

[1]In general use, ‘zhuzh’ tends to mean “to improve in appearance by way of a slight adjustment.” Sidenote I legit that zhuzh was a Yiddish word that old Jewish mothers used over mahjong… Guess I was wrong. Shout out to Carson from Queer Eye.

[2]I have purchased many high end candles in my day but I love these. They last 2 weeks and are fun to try out. (I have one fragrance for my morning routine and another for my evening routine).

[3]Though my wallet is looking a little nervous. Beauty hurts… my bank account.

[4]Celebrity artist like iconic, A lister, supermodel knowing celebrity artist. No shade to instagram celebs.

KListen, Music/Film

KListen: @TiffanyGouche “Fantasy”

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Stolen from her Insta. Follow her!

Tiffany. Tiffany. Tiffany. Where have you been all my life?

*  head shaking and mouth pursed  *

You just spoke life into my whole existence… four years after this song released.

Cali native, Tiffany Gouché is a legit musical phenom. She has worked with a little bit of everyone from Ty Dolla $ign to Jill Scott to mutha Lauryn Hill.

And if you know you know her, but don’t know why you know her, she was a part of the Black and Sexy TV webseries back in the day as well.

But that is all very 2010s, let’s get into now.

When I started listening to this song today…and let the record show I have listened to it twice, I was shooketh. The visuals and movement took me to a place I needed to be. I thoroughly enjoyed the dance homage to the ORIGINAL She’s Got to Have It (intentional or not) that had me grooving at my desk.

The message was timeless. Haven’t we all had that friend that we know is just a friend… but you want to tell your fantasies to? Just me? shrugs

Take a look. Take a listen. What do you think? Continue reading KListen: @TiffanyGouche “Fantasy” →

KLife, KWord Approved

KLife: YONI STEAMING

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Hi Lovebugs,

Well I have written posts on here while all over the country, but today is definitely a first. I am coming to you live and in color from my… bathroom. Yeah fellas[1], this might not be the post for you because today I am writing about Yoni Steaming. Yes it is exactly what you think it is.

First things first, let’s discuss what yoni steaming is. Yoni steaming, which is also called vagina steaming, is kind of like a facial for your vagina. While you are sitting on a herb filled pot of hot (but not boiling) water, the steam rises through your lady parts and gives it a little pick me up. The herbs tone and rejuvenate your vajajay[2] inside and out.

Now I have heard of yoni steaming over the years a handful of times. This isn’t some new fad at all. Yoni steaming can be seen in different cultures for hundreds of years. Women all over the world use it as part of their self care routine. This time, I decided to actually give it a go. Marty mentioned it during one of our sister chats (along with April) and I knew it was a sign. The benefits of yoni steaming seemed great, with some that definitely peaked my interest.

Here are just a few.

  • Improve fertility.
  • Increase circulation and blood flow.
  • Cleanse the uterine lining of old blood.
  • Treat uterine fibroids, ovarian cysts, uterine weakness, uterine prolapse & endometriosis.
  • Improve period bleeding that is brown or black in colour.
  • Reduce period pain and discomfort
  • Helps to restore bacterial and PH balance to aid in prevention of infections, bacterial vaginosis and odor.
  • Detoxify your mind, body and soul

Before I get any further, and I am sure that most of you already know this BUT your vagina is self cleaning. So while this “cleanses”, your vagina doesn’t need any help.

71KYQjPbLTL._SX522_So off to Amazon I went for my Sew Right starter kit. I know I know there are herbalists and healers that create their own but I wanted to introduce it into my Sunday self care routine ASAP.

I chose the Female Rituals Steam Therapy (1 Ounce) package. The two reasons I went with this one was that a) it was the brand that Marty recommended and b) they had a small 1 oz offering (enough for 1-2 steams), so I could try them out.

As I write and steam, I can tell you some first impressions.  It smells really floral and has a calming effect that I like. Before I even sat down, the aroma took over my house. It is like a really fragrant herbal tea. The scent plus the steam are giving me a really relaxed feeling. The tensions of my week are melting away, if only for a minute. I can definitely see myself having a good rest after I finish this and my pamper day skincare routine[3].

61aux7Xu7gL._SX522_The second piece I bought for my kit was the Carex Sitz Bath.

Now you can use a pot and sit it in your toilet but… yeah that was a no for me. Or you can get really fancy and buy a Yoni Steam Chair but… while I am down to buy a bougie item or two for selfcare day… that was also a no for me.

This sitz bath sat right into my toilet with a vent space and once I am done I will be able to simply dispose of the herbs and wash it out for next time.

So here are the steps that I did.

  • Put the sitz bath in the toilet with half a package (1/2 an ounce of herbs)
  • Boiled water in my tea pot and poured the hot water into the mix.
  • Steep herbs for 10 minutes in the water
  • Grabbed a bottle of water so I didn’t get dehydrated and got undressed.
  • Covered myself with a blanket to keep in the steam and put my laptop on top
  • Blogged with you all in tow. (Next time I think I will read a book)
  • Steamed for about 20-25 minutes.
  • Disposed of the herbs and rinsed the sitz
  • Laying down with the rest of my water for a bit, finishing up this post and watching Living Single[4] on Hulu.

I plan to definitely incorporate yoni steaming into my moon cycles. They say to do it a week before your period (but definitely not while on your period). I am getting conflicting information about how often to do it, but I think for myself I would like to do it 2-3 times a month on my Sunday ritual. I feel so relaxed and in tune to “her” right now and I want to keep that going.

Have you ever done a Yoni Steam aka Vaginal Steaming? How did you like it? How do you incorporate it into your routine? Do you have any tips for someone using it? Comment below and tell me what you think. Can’t wait to hear from you!

[1]But you are definitely welcome to stay. We are all inclusive over here.

[2]I really should have included a drinking game where you have to take a shot every time I say ANY word equivalent to vagina.

[3]I will do that post next week maybe as part of the two part series.

[4]Just watched the episode where Kyle sang the draws off of Max. I so loved them.