Wait what?

If you (like myself) were gearing up for season two of Netflix’s Orange is the New Black by reading Piper Kerman’s memoir, “Orange Is the New Black: My Year in a Women’s Prison”…. eh…. don’t.

The memoir is NOT like the book in some very key ways, the biggest being, it’s not nearly as gay.

Plot Summary: 10 years after a whirlwind relationship with her drug dealing ex-girlfriend, Piper finds herself in federal prison, leaving life as she knew it and her fiancee at home.

Remember the tension when Piper and Alex see each other for the first time? Remember how you cracked up when Pennsatucky exclaimed ” “She a lesbian. They lesbianing each other.”? Remember how you couldn’t help but cheer when Crazy Eyes through her pie?

Well you can thank the lovely writers at Netflix for all of those gems. The memoir for what it is wasn’t horrible, but it is nothing like the book. a) Piper and Alex aren’t even in the same prison, nor do they see each other until the end of the book b) Piper was surprised by the lack of lesbian romps while she was in prison (so the hell was I) c) Crazy Eyes was not nearly as important or AMAZING, and didn’t have a crush on Piper at all and d) Piper’s fiancee never EVER EVER EVER EVER was in danger of being left at the altar.

Piper was hard to feel bad for. She had people clamoring to be on her visitation list. Dozens of books. Countless letters. Nice, non-threatening fellow inmates.  A website trekking her incarceration o_O. The memoir made prison sound more like an all girls boarding school than anything else.

Ok so I didn’t expect her to be gang-raped in the shower. I didn’t expect her to be screwing her bunkie in the stairways. I didn’t expect her to share tales of the all girl orgy on the yard.

BUT

I also didn’t expect Piper to come off as a self-entitled narcissist. I didn’t know I would be reminded OVER and OVER about how wonderful she was, especially when saying she didn’t think she was.  I didn’t expect to start counting how many times she mentioned how attractive she was, how blond she was, and how educated she was. (If you do read the book, it would make for an interesting drinking game).

I did however expect to think that I would like the book as much, if not more than the series. Ummm not so much.

Anyone else read it?

Orange Is the New Black‘s 13-episode second season will be available Friday, June 6 on Netflix.

@Creole26 summed it up perfectly:

It was bathed in white female privilege. poor rich white girl. how could the mean old justice system do this to you. of course, you are liberal, so you don’t think you are better than ‘those people’, so you are going to help them by selling a book with their stories and pocketing the profits.